Interstellar: The Worst Movie of the Decade

 

Yes, you read that correctly. A blockbuster hit that won awards and has been nominated for 5 Oscars, I think is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. This movie was incredibly boring, outrageously long and confusing to the point where I had to research message boards to find out what was going on. Also, the music was entirely too loud. It might’ve been the theater I was at (I doubt it), but the music was so loud it drowned out some of the key dialogue.

When I saw the trailer, I figured it was going to be a bad movie. Because from what I gathered, the movie was about the Earth becoming uninhabitable and Matthew McConaughey going to other planets to find one that can sustain life for humans to travel to. This isn’t a plotline that looks to be filled with many twists and turns. Just seems like McConaughey would go to planet 1 and say “Eh” and go to planet 2 and see how it is.

McConaughey plays Cooper, a former pilot who eventually becomes the savior of the world…sorta. I was surprised that McConaughey wasn’t the writer on this movie, because it seems that Cooper could not die even though there were many times for it to happen.

The human race is dying of starvation I think. Giant sandstorms wipe away crop fields and causing people to suffocate. The only hope is to find another place for humans to live. Luckily, a wormhole has appeared in our solar system put by….aliens they think. The aliens must’ve known that Earth was in trouble and created a wormhole to another galaxy with habitable worlds.

There is a lot going on in this movie. I haven’t even gotten to the backstory of Cooper and his family. Cooper is a farmer now, who lives with his father in law, son Tom and daughter Murph. Yes, Murph, because that’s a girl’s name somehow.

Murph thinks there is a ghost in the house. In her room there is a giant bookshelf, and books seem to fall randomly. Murph decides to write these occurrences. Somehow Murph ends up connecting the dropping of books into Binary and Morse code. Really? Are we just going to pretend that makes sense?

Cooper indulges Murph’s crazy theory and puts the code as coordinates on a map and follows it to a secret military base. Cooper and Murph are captured by robots, tough talking Lincoln Log looking robots.

Skipping ahead, because this review isn’t even half way through. Scientist Professor Brand has discovered the wormhole with a bunch of other scientist and have already been sending exploration groups through and are sending another team consisting of Professors Brand’s daughter Brand….yes Brand is her name, random black guy and another scientist. Cooper is sent along as well. Because apparently they want him to pilot the craft because they are in desperate need and here Cooper randomly is.

Murph cries and tries to convince Cooper to stay. She even says the Morse code spells out STAY, but Cooper leaves anyway. The team goes into cryo sleep and go through the wormhole and land on another planet.

The problem is the time this mission takes. They don’t want to be gone too long because the world is dying, apparently, so taking forever isn’t a good idea. On approaching the planets, the time increases for the amount of time on Earth. 1 hour on the planet amounts to 7 years on Earth. So there is a rush to this mission.

I don’t want to spoil the ending or the 1 twist to it in the middle too much. This movie is about a Temporal Causality Loop. Family Guy had it in an episode. Stewie created the universe and Brian questioned how Stewie could create the universe if he was born in it. Stewie explained it like this “The universe created me so I can create it so it can create me and so on”. That is this movie in a nut shell. Something happens, beyond logical reasoning and TCL is the answer to it.

This movie was awful on all fronts. Worst of all, the ending was “apparently” a tear jerker. I was watching the ending and heard a sniff a few seats over. I see a woman in tears. I turn to tell my girlfriend of the phenomenon and saw another person crying. The whole theater except me was having an emotional reaction to the scene! To quote Lou Costello “Why? I don’t know”.

I give this a 0/5. It was just a disaster in every scene. Nothing made sense and it was just so long. I’ve seen long movies without a ton of action and still thought it was good. But this movie had no redeeming qualities to it. The biggest gasp moment for me was finding out Matt Damon was in the movie.

I do give the movie a smidge of credit. They had a line that was so hysterical that I literally laughed out loud. I highlighted it for you.

Cooper: Dr. Mann there’s a 50/50 chance your gonna kill yourself.

Dr. Mann: Those are the best odds I’ve had in years.

Joe Reyes

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This Wasn’t Christmas

Today didn’t feel like Christmas. I don’t know what it as exactly, but something was off. The buildup wasn’t there. Maybe because I didn’t want anything and my parents gave me my gift early. We didn’t have a tree on account of my cat. It would be a tossup of how she would kill herself first: hanging herself on the lights or getting electrocuted.

Maybe it was the weather. There was 0 snow on the ground. Christmas Eve was like 50 something degrees out. I like a white Christmas. No, it’s not cliché to want snow. And you can bitch about how cold it is and how hard it is to travel in the snow, but waking up to snow covered trees outside and pegging the first old person you see with a snowball sounds like Christmas to me.

All the radio stations had recycled Christmas songs done by the new Disney Stars of today. That skank Miley Cyrus twerked her way into a holiday album that has been done time after time. Even the Salvation Army seemed to not be in the holiday spirit. I saw one member by the Shoprite ringing a bell for donations. He want even smiling. He was just sprawled across a wood pile staring at the ground. I doubt the money even went somewhere. Probably just buy crack with it. Since he was white it’s not racist to say.

Christmas day consisted of a family ride up to Staten Island to see my family. I looked out the window and saw trees with leaves on them. Maybe that tool Al Sharpton was right about the world getting hotter…or was it Al Gore? Either way it didn’t make any sense outside.

We passed a white cross on the side of the road. Probably some kid cut down in the prime of his youth to an accident…lucky bastard. The sky was bright blue and beautiful. It looked more like the opening to the Simpson’s rather than Christmas in New Jersey.

On the plus side we cut down on the holiday cards in my house. What’s the point of them anyway? To let me know that you survived another year? And if I didn’t get a card would I even worry? If I have to be reminded every year of your existence then you don’t really matter that much to me. I only sent out about 7 “Merry Christmas” texts. No reason for my whole family to send 3 separate messages to the same person with “Merry Christmas!!!”

My uncle’s fence said it all. He had a “Beware Dog” sign on it, but there was a Christmas wreath covering the “Dog” part. So I read it as “Beware Christmas”. Maybe I wanted more this year. Maybe I just wanted to feel some holiday cheer. Maybe I just didn’t get into the spirit. Or maybe it’s a tumor and luckily I won’t have to endure this crap next year.

Merry Christmas Everybody!

Joe Reyes

LeBron James Is A Cheat!

I don’t see this story on Sports Center and I don’t see any major news networks talking about this story, so I think I am the only one who put the pieces together. The fact is LeBron James is the biggest cheater in the NBA.

In his NBA Finals interview he alluded to what helped him out throughout his career. Some man named Jesus. Who is this Jesus and how does he help LeBron? Is he someone like Tony Bosch? Is this Jesus character giving LeBron performance enhancers? Is he a trainer of athletes?

The fact is this mysterious Jesus character has never been brought up for questioning. Another NBA athlete, J.R Smith, has also alluded to the mysterious Jesus helping him out. Who is this man and what are his intentions?

Are they noble? Or are they part of a bigger scheme of things that ultimately leads to the destruction of mankind…..I dare not say. All I can say for certain is that Jesus (if that is his real name) has been quoted by LeBron is what helped him out in the NBA Finals.

I call for the immediate suspension of the Heat’s NBA championship pending an investigation. Also J.R Smith’s contract money should also be suspended (if he didn’t blow all of it already) until this Jesus fellow is brought to the public eye.

Joe Reyes