John Carter

To actually enjoy this movie you MUST not ask a single question. You must just go along with the plot and not question a single thing about the movie. Such questions as

  1. Why are there humans on Mars?
  2. How did John learn to walk so quickly?
  3. Why does the bad guys plan not make any sense?
  4. Why didn’t John bury his wife and child in the same grave?
  5. How did John fall for the Martian woman so quickly?
  6. Why does the Martian queen look so much older than John?
  7. Why do the Martians seem shocked that Earth has water while Mars equally has water?
  8. Why did the magic dudes even go to Earth in the first place?

The story is about John Carter, a Civil War veteran, who has been transported to Mars and fights a galactic war on the red planet.  Since the gravity is lesser on Mars, John is like a superhero. He can leap tall distances in a single bound. More powerful than a locomotive. And most importantly, can dazzle the minds with his idiotic discussion making skills.

For some reason, not questioning it, some magical super people come to Mars and try to run it by corrupting the leaders and starting a war. John is transported to the red planet and is found by a tribe of 4 armed aliens.

You know what, I don’t even feel like writing about this anymore. This movie was God awful. The storyline constantly doesn’t make any sense. The magic guys want this dictator to marry this queen just to kill her. That’s the main storyline to this overall disappointing movie.

This movie gets a 1/5. Even with all the special effects and action scenes, this movie was still terrible. There is nothing that saves this movie. Don’t see it.

Joe Reyes




Total Recall

Recently I saw the new Total Recall remake. To quote my dad, “I could not recall a worse movie” all puns aside this move was bad to say the least. At first I thought this was going to be a great movie.

The original was pretty good. It had action, comedy, a twist, it had it all. So naturally I would think a remake, with new graphics and a new flow would be great. I was wrong by a lot. This movie had a typical flow that was predictable throughout it.

It had a good action opening that didn’t reveal much, but caught your attention quickly. The bulky Arnold Schwarzenegger has been replaced with the better acting Colin Farrell. Colin’s character (Douglas Quaid) works in a robot factory. In the future robots are the police force. It’s a future movie, unlike the original this one takes place on Earth entirely and not on Mars.

Earth, after major wars, had been split into 2 areas that are habitable. Nuclear war I think was the cause. Britain and Australia are all that remain. Quaid lives in 1 and works in the other. How does he travel there every day you ask? Through the center of the Earth of course. Yes, they had a train that travels down into the Earth and comes out the other side. Brittan is the rich part of the world, where Australia is the poor side. War is breaking out for some odd reason that I will explain later on.

Quaid has been having bad dreams, which is the opening scene. He is being chased through a facility and captured. How does he deal with bad dreams? He goes to a place called Recall, which literally implants fake memories into your brain. A fake life is put into your brain…for some odd reason they think this is a good idea.

When he does this, we find out he has already had that done, the cops come in and Quaid kills them all quickly. The biggest problem with this movie is the bad guys know where Quaid is always. Not one second does he have a chance to take a breath.

After he kills everyone, he goes back home, where he wife tries to kill him, played by Kate Beckinsale. She is the toughest bad girl in the history of movies in my opinion. She is so awesome; she fights, shoots, randomly has a tough girl accent and never dies…at least until the end.

I don’t want to spoil the whole movie, but we learn that Quaid had another life. Where he was implanted with a fake life. Quaid was a spy for Brittan I’m pretty sure. He was put in Australia to infiltrate the Australian…I don’t want to say they’re terrorist, but Australia is perceived to be that. So Quaid’s job was to find the Australian terrorist leader and tell the others.

We find out that Brittan’s president is the bad guy and he wants to take his robot army to Australia to kill everyone. So Australia isn’t just the good guys, they are being framed to be terrorist so the invasion is justified. I am confusing myself writing this so imagine how confusing it is the watch.

So everything that Quaid knows is a lie, he has a girlfriend fighting for Australia, the bad guy (including his wife) are always there and for some odd reason the 3 boobed chick only gets one scene. Yes you read that right, 3 boobed chick.

On that note I will end this review of a horrible remake by giving it a 1 out of 5. This movie could’ve been so much better. It had all the elements to make a movie great but they failed miserably.

Joe Reyes